Please note: This post was made on April Fools day. Therefore it is possible that at least some of the claims here are exaggerated or even completely untrue.
Researchers nearing the conclusion of a five-year study on human aging announced Friday that they may have found a cure. In fact, a scientist involved with the study, who spoke on condition of anonymity, claims that early results seem to show that consuming certain brands of beer treated with ozone may actually reverse the aging process altogether.
Official results will not be released for at least six months. However, extensive research statistics and materials were mysteriously leaked and have since been obtained by the Ozone Journal.
Methods and Results
The study, which began in 2006, focused on how life-long human consumption habits relate to macromolecular damage in living cells, a leading cause of human aging. Researchers hoped to discover a link between certain foods and the rate at which macromolecules are damaged.
As the study progressed, researchers focused on a small group of substances that showed statistical promise. Eventually they were able to confirm the shocking discovery that mice who consumed specific drafts of beer containing dissolved ozone were not only aging more slowly, but in some cases macromolecular damage was being entirely reversed. After further refining the mixture, rejuvenation was occurring in mouse cells, tissues, and even whole organ systems.
While researchers expected that different brews would not necessarily produce the same results, the beers exhibiting high anti-aging potential (AAP) were a surprising and unlikely assortment.
As a mixture of facts and rumor spread about the study, scientists across the world are raising their eyebrows and expressing caution about the findings. Brow Furughd, a professor at the French Academy of Sciences expressed skepticism about the chemistry behind such a simple reverse aging formula and how the discovery could have been made outside of Western Europe.
However, Burt McBlitzed, of Alcohaulics Onymous, said his organization fully embraced the preliminary findings. “Frankly, I’m not surprised at all by this. I mean, I think we’ve suspected all along that beer represents the fountain of youth in some way.”
The anti-aging study was entirely under supervision and funding of the Great Plains Anti-Aging Institute.